Refinement

So in quiet time this morning, I am reading Numbers and psalms. I have a goal to read the whole bible through this year. I am doing an online reading plan.

It sounds kind of sterile, I know.

More like another list for me to check off for my controlled, comfort level.

Really the reason I am doing it is that I want to KNOW that I have read every word in His love letter to me. No one knows about the reading plan. I am not publicizing it. I just want to be awoken anew by words that I would not normally see. Can I say I just loved LEVITICUS? Ummm, no. In fact some of it was so boring and hard to read. However, I was surprised by some of it.

I enjoy reading the whole story of Moses and Aaron and those heart wandering and disbelieving Israelites. I feel like them sometimes when I have allowed the world to become my desert. I feel like a dusty wandering traveler wondering if I am headed even in the direction I am meant to go. I feel hot and sweaty when I am trying to discern the forks in the road. Then like the Israelites when Moses comes down all shiny from being in the presence of God, I feel refreshed and know that the Holy Spirit (our helper here in our desert) has filled me. But, like the Israelites, without proper direction from the Lord- I get doubtful, fretful and sweaty in the desert again.

All of this has been a bit of a surprise to me. The Old Testament. I am a new covenant, New Testament girl. The depth of God's direct involvement in the Old Testament. The physical inhabitation of God in the Tabernacle, in the Ark. The Fire that leads at night...amazing.

Anyway, today's reading was in the beginning of Numbers about the Israelites moving and God in every detail of how they set up camp. Instructions for who lives where and who does what. I was almost a little jealous. I would love to 'know my role' where my family sits around the place that God inhabits.

I made a simple prayer at the end of my reading time. I felt the Holy Spirit with me and I just quietly whole heartily said- Lord, whatever is in me that is keeping me from the fullness of your inhabitanting my heart. Lord, whatever the role, you have for me. Whatever the place you want me to dwell- It is my desire to live there, walk there, set up camp there. Reveal to me the places of my heart that are uninhabitable. The places in my life, I have never let you touch. I confess my desire to you so that I can desire what YOU desire for me.

So, it didn't take long for my day to begin that my prayer was answered.It was about 5 minutes into my workday. I guess, I could pretend it was pretty. That I immediately recognized it but it wasn't.

I was smacked in the face with the stinkiest part of me. I recoiled once I realized that my prayer was directly related to a major mess up that occured months ago. I do data. You know lists, information etc. I have always been told and believed that i am very good at what I do. In fact, in recent months, I have been puffed up about it. You can see where this is going.

I was humbled by a mistake that was very public that should have been casught. I was prideful at the beginning of the question of my work. I was humbled by the realization that I was at fault and I was sick to see the extent of my mistake. It was public. Lots of people know and were affected. People that I have not talked well of in the past, had to defend my mistake.They reacted graciously when I have not been so gracious to them before. The list continues...I honestly got sick to my stomach - literally. I honestly fought tears. I honestly asked for supernatural intervention from God.

It was then I heard in my Spirit's ear. Child, Is this not what you asked for?

stunned.I.could.barely.breathe

Quietly, I whispered - PRIDE. Lord, PRIDE? I am so sorry. I didn't see it. I felt blind, naked and raw. Lord, forgive me of my PRIDE. I am so sorry that I have done this career in my own strength. I have left you out of my work. I have handled my learning and my acomplishments as they belong to me. I am sorry I have kept this area of my life from you. Lord, be with me in all my work. My decisions are your decisions, My plans are the ones you have set before me. Be ever present. Fill my life, my office, my mouth, my reactions,the way I interact with others- Lord- everything is yours. I humbly offer my repentance to you. I turn away from my pride. I am under your authority at work. Thank you for the revelation. Thank you for hearing my prayer and answering, Father. Your refinement is what I seek. Use my weakness to show me your strength. Show me where to set up camp, show me my role like with the Israelites. I love you and I want you in every detail. Thank you that you make all things new, I will walk in the freedom of your forgiveness. Continue Your work. I am the clay- you are the potter. Purify me and burn away all the junk. Amen.

So I began to look up verses centered around the word 'REFINE' Here is my verse for mediation today. I am so thankful for this lesson. I am sure there will be a retest :)

I am thankful for His love for me even through discipline.

Malachi 3:3 (New Living Translation)
He will sit like a refiner of silver, burning away the dross. He will purify the Levites, refining them like gold and silver, so that they may once again offer acceptable sacrifices to the Lord.

I read this morning that the Levites were the tribe assigned to set up God's dwelling place as the Israelites traveled. That they were set up as the substitutes for all of Israels first born sons. They were Aarons helpers since his first born sons were burned up by God for offering the wrong types of sacrifices. So God set apart the tribe of Levi to be Aaron's helpers. They were instructed that only those who were chosen should be in the Tabernacle and only certain people should handle the Ark. That only certain people should offer sacrifices.

You had to be holy, and stay holy.

Their job was to be holy and stay holy. To be clean and remain clean.

Lord, I want to be holy and wholly Yours. Be the refiner. Burn away the junk so that I will be acceptable to you. Amen.