Return to Grace

Yesterday I went on Facebook trying to find a very old post that contained a recipe. An innocent enough task. I scrolled through my news feed, looking for the recipe I asked for help with a long time ago. I never found it. Never found the thing I planned to get, but what I found was bittersweet. I found who I was a couple years ago. I found the joyful positive person that posted funny things her kids said, Bible verses that still jumped off the page and screamed of His peace and joy, I found grateful posts, pictures of my family. It was a wonderful. It was the equivalent of looking through picture albums when I was growing up. Remembering the forgotten times. It also opened my eyes and my heart to where I have drifted. You see some things have not worked out as I thought they would over the last couple of years. Plans I had planned not fulfilled. In the meantime, I have drifted. My joy less joyful. My gratitude a little more forced. My heart a little less soft. My life a little more robotic.

God can use anything to draw you to Him and yesterday I got the wake up call on Facebook of all places. Using my own words, my own testimony, my own journey.

I am grateful that I could see it. Today, I am sitting in my home with a rare day off from work and I want to document the change so I pulled up this old blog to type out my heart. Yesterday's lesson was clear. I had gone prodigal. Slowly. Still going through the motions. Still teaching and praying and reading but my heart. That place I rarely show to anyone. It was prodigal.

A call to repentance, head bowed, heart humbled, softly whispering. I see, Lord. Your grace is amazing and I can't believe I let it slide away. Thanks for reaching me in the place I am. I am sorry for my selfishness.

New mercies this morning open my life to my heart change. Reading words that are familiar but seem so new. Mark 14:1-9 The woman and the alabaster jar of expensive perfume. Oh the sacrifice. A woman's most precious possession, broken and poured out for Jesus.

My heart rumbles and turns. Jesus didn't ask to be anointed. He did not require the sacrifice as a condition of being in His presence. She was compelled. Drawn by a love that was unfamiliar to her and compelled to move, to act, to give and to show her love. It was extravagant. It was bold. It was even criticized by those who were good followers of Christ. Still she moved and broke and gave.

Jesus' words are not lost on my softening heart. She heard the others gasp at the waste. Gasp at her boldness. Jesus defends her and her gift to him. "Leave her alone". "She has done what she could". Oh, have I, sweet Lord? Have I chosen the good thing? Have I done what I could? No. Not lately.

Thank you for the revelation and the blessings. You say that wherever the Good News is preached, her deed will be remembered and talked about. Her gift, her extravagant deed, her broken vessel. My broken vessel, my heart and life poured out like perfume for you? Yes, Lord. I hear that call. Let my life, prayers and thoughts be a sweet perfume of You. Amen.

a forgiven complainer

So the weather has turned a bit cooler. Long pants and blankets are being pulled out. Well, let me be honest, my blanket is always out and in use. My crock pot has been used twice this week and it is only tuesday.

My girl is breaking out her long sleeve wardrobe. My son is explaining the itchiness of having to wear long pants. I love their banter.

God revealed to me that I am a complainer. Not something I particularly loved to hear this morning but so true that it hit me in the heart. Then He proceeded to prove it to me. My girl forgot her gym clothes, so we had to back track to go back home to get them. When I am already late to work when we are at regular time. I steeled myself to not complain about it because didn't I just repent of that in quiet time this morning.

So I prayed for God to close my mouth and I hit more traffic and I prayed to stick my tongue to the roof of my mouth and I got behind a TRASH TRUCK and I prayed for patience and I got to work 30 minutes late.

I could feel my flesh screeming out to call my husband and tell him how bad it was. To justify myself to my coworkers about my awful morning. To complain and dramatize it to my boss so he would know that I hate being late.

I rehearsed some of the above and some of how to avoid the above in the car on the ride in. I knew how I could hint but not complain. How to get sympathy and not be unrepentive. I had a plan. Ugghhh!! Then I had to repent again.

I had to repent that I could do this in my own strength. I can't. Nothing God has ever revealed to me as an issue with my soul and spirit live has been anything I could do on my own. He has to do it. So I repented of taking control of this. I did complain this morning. I caught the words in my mouth and they tasted good but they quickly turned to wormwood in my mouth.

So my name is Karen and I am a forgiven complainer. I am going to kneel at the cross each time I complain, I give it up. I don't want some easy words and sympathy to get in my way of being closer to my Lord. I lay it at His feet. I surrender my control of my words to Him. My words are life and not death. The Spring of my heart is good and not bitter. He is living in me and He can't live with the garbage I allow as everyday in the name of "venting my feelings", NO! my words will be in the name of my Lord.

amen.

Last weekend was a wonderful BUST

So our girls weekend was only a girl's night. The boys got rained on continuously on the camping trip. Late afternoon on Saturday the scouts called the activities so we got the boys back Saturday afternoon...wet and cold but smiling.

My girl and I did do some shopping on Saturday, we got some cool clothes at our fav consignment shop. Tried on more than we got which always makes the boys impatient, so it was nice to just take our time.

We made the homemade oreos saturday afternoon and they were YUCKY! So don't follow the pinterest link. Next time we will just buy the store bought ones but even baking failure is fun when we fail together. :)

Sunday was action packed. We left church and took Nick to Raleigh to spend his Lego store gift cards. He was in heaven but then quickly got overwhelmed by the decision of it all. We recovered with a quick talk, he made a good decision and left happy with a new lego set in hand.

All in all, a good weekend but not exactly like anythin we had planned. Lots of together time though which always makes me happy.

This week has had its ups and downs. We visited the eye doctor at Duke and we have some things to do for Nick. I have not processed it enough to write about it so that will wait. Let's just say, I ended up pouting on the inside like a ticked off 3 year old for about 24 hours. As I get over it, I will post about it because I think it will help me make decisions in the future.

And now look it is already Friday. Living another weekend together is a blessing. Whether we work or play or both. I am looking forward to being with my people tonight.

Girl's weekend

The boys are going camping with the Cub Scouts this weekend. Camping is not really my thing, nor do I feel compelled to try to see if it is my thing. So my girl and I are going to bond this weekend.

When there is girl bonding there is chocolate. We are going to attempt these

Homemade oreos, thankyouverymuch Pinterest.

Where there is girl bonding there is shopping. We are heading to a cool consignment shop that my girl loves and who knows where after.

My guess is there will also be time on the couch with good books as that is how, we smarties like to relax.

Oh, I pray for a restorative, relaxing, giggle filled, re-connection weekend with my teenager.

I also pray that my boys have fun, playing in the dirt, having games and eating camp style-- and that the rain stays well away from them.

Happy Friday all.

finally sinking in

So I think it is finally sinking in that knowing God's will for my life is not seeing the plan in full and working toward a goal. It is daily obedience to what He speaks to me. He is weaving a tapestry one stich at a time. I can't wait to look back and see what the picture is.

Right now, God has placed children on my heart and the heart of my husband. Just loving kids who aren't being loved. Just looking for ways to bless kids each day. It feels right to be here right now although my heart does yearn to see where the road is going to take us, I am tuning my heart to the obedience of the here and now.

Praying for constant companship with Him for me and my family so that our individual tapestries make one beautiful picture for our Creator.

my heart

Life is whizzing by. I am reminded each day how much I am forgetting. I don't have time to stir up the good memories and relish in them. So here is an attempt to do that for a bit.



This year has been full, and I am sure tons of wonderful, not so wonderful, hard and easy things have happened. I could try to recap but I would rather start with now and thankfully lay out my blessings in my current heart.



My marriage has gotten stronger than I ever thought possible. My husband and I talk about eternal things now. Not just who is picking up who and what is on the schedule. We talk about plans but they are not our plans. We talk about what God is calling us to do and be...not in 20 years but today, tomorrow, this week. It is revolutionary...and scary, exciting and exhilirating.



I love seeing my husband do what God is calling him to do and be who is calling him to be. He is so much in the moment of what God is saying to him that it makes me more mindful of what God wants me to do and be. I love it.



My daughter is a woman-child. She has crossed that bridge from looking like a child to looking like a woman. She still has a child heart though. She is in high school, waivering between what she knows, what she feels, who she is and who she wants to be and seeking God in it all. She is a light but also a teenager. It is a beautifully complex mix and I am honored to see her grow.



My son is 10. Double digits. My baby no more and forever all rolled up into an energetic, enthusiastic whirlwind of boy. He is joy personified. Little cares, many smiles. He is obsessed with Legos, movement, and serving others. His personality draws people to him and his warmth keeps them coming back for me. I will cry the day he no longer wants to snuggle his momma.



So many blessing and so many prayers all in one.



I am praying right now that my family is drawn to God by his everlasting love, that we will be bold for Him, that we will be obedient to His plans and not ours, that we will hold loosely to anything that is not of Him and that we will walk out the plans He has for us individually and collectively.



Bold prayers for a bold chapter in our life.

High School

So I am not even going to look at how long it has been since the last post.

This month has been a little bit of everything.

Sad- my PopPop passed away. I am an emotional bottler but don't want to be. So I have done denial and busyness so far in my list of ways to avoid dealing with it. But the fact is, I pray that I will see him again. The funeral and travel was tough but good.

Happy- We have had tons of laughs this month. Mostly around the dinner table, in the van and just in our general togetherness. I love and cherish this gift of family. Lord you are so good to me.

Frustration- Jeff lost a battery in his car this month. We missed the money and church that week.

Hope- i feel like I have grown spiritually this week. My adventure of trust and obedience is just the beginning I beleive but I know he is fatithful and will work in every situation. I keep praying that my path is crossed by situations that I can be what Jesus wants me to be.

Messy- My house has been a straight up hot mess this month then clean to be turned into a hot mess once again. Not sure what I do wrong...maybe it is my lazy sleepyness or that wonderful plug in blanket.

Scary- Abby had a meeting at the high school this week. Jeff went with her...I am in denial. She actual seems pretty excited by the whole high school thing. She saw people from her old school that she knew and knows a lot from her current school. Maybe it is the place for us afterall. God please give us your wisdom.

over- today is the last day of January 2012. Lord, you surely did supply for our needs and wants even. You blessed us with time together and with others we love. Thank you for your goodness and grace. Thank you for the peace you have supplied for our home. Holy Spirit move in our family. amen.