forgetfulness

So I have a really 'bad' memory.

I am forgetful. I verbally equate my forgetfulness to busyness.

Too much on my plate, too little time. Too much multitasking.

I found out this morning that I think I am forgetful on purpose.

I think it is part of my protection reaction. I remember the good, block out the bad, surpress any emotional attachment and move on to the next thing.

Wow, did I just type that.

I may just cry. I am amazed at how God works on the parts we buried.

Well, it started with an outside conflict ( My dad had a work issue that led to him 'quitting' - my mother's reaction and conversations) and it resulted in me feeling like the 7 year old at a tense dinner table.

My childhood was not the fairytale type. As much as I think it was anyway. i just have never been one to rehash the bad.

Last night, the passive aggressive behavior was back at my childhood dinner table. I am not sure how something so forgotten could be so easily familar. But it sure was. The anxiety, the nervous laughter, the pointing out every problem but what really is the problem. UGH!

It has hit a nerve that I felt was either buried securely or long dead. Neither was true.

So I look at my reality with question marks today. Am I really who I say I am? Am I even who I think I am? Can I regress that easily to what I heard as a child?

No the only thing I can control is my reaction. I will react with Truth.

Isaiah 41:9-10

I have called you back from the ends of the earth saying "You are my servant"
For I have chosen you and will not throw you away.
Don't be afraid, for I am with you
Don't be discouraged for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

I know my identity is in Christ. I am amazed that He won't just let the old hurt parts lay dormant. He wants to free me even from those buried hurts. He will turn that old soil. Not to throw it up in my face but to make it useful for new growth.

Old soil is hard, dry, parched and looks pretty benign. When you work in new soil with the old it is revived and useful. It has purpose. God has a purpose for regenerating these emotions and this time of my life. The funny thing is I have a peace I shouldn't, a confidence that is with me. He is doing this and I will trust him.

He will hold me up by His victorious right hand. I will have victory and freedom in it all. I will break the cycle of this for my children.