So I have a really 'bad' memory.
I am forgetful. I verbally equate my forgetfulness to busyness.
Too much on my plate, too little time. Too much multitasking.
I found out this morning that I think I am forgetful on purpose.
I think it is part of my protection reaction. I remember the good, block out the bad, surpress any emotional attachment and move on to the next thing.
Wow, did I just type that.
I may just cry. I am amazed at how God works on the parts we buried.
Well, it started with an outside conflict ( My dad had a work issue that led to him 'quitting' - my mother's reaction and conversations) and it resulted in me feeling like the 7 year old at a tense dinner table.
My childhood was not the fairytale type. As much as I think it was anyway. i just have never been one to rehash the bad.
Last night, the passive aggressive behavior was back at my childhood dinner table. I am not sure how something so forgotten could be so easily familar. But it sure was. The anxiety, the nervous laughter, the pointing out every problem but what really is the problem. UGH!
It has hit a nerve that I felt was either buried securely or long dead. Neither was true.
So I look at my reality with question marks today. Am I really who I say I am? Am I even who I think I am? Can I regress that easily to what I heard as a child?
No the only thing I can control is my reaction. I will react with Truth.
Isaiah 41:9-10
I have called you back from the ends of the earth saying "You are my servant"
For I have chosen you and will not throw you away.
Don't be afraid, for I am with you
Don't be discouraged for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
I know my identity is in Christ. I am amazed that He won't just let the old hurt parts lay dormant. He wants to free me even from those buried hurts. He will turn that old soil. Not to throw it up in my face but to make it useful for new growth.
Old soil is hard, dry, parched and looks pretty benign. When you work in new soil with the old it is revived and useful. It has purpose. God has a purpose for regenerating these emotions and this time of my life. The funny thing is I have a peace I shouldn't, a confidence that is with me. He is doing this and I will trust him.
He will hold me up by His victorious right hand. I will have victory and freedom in it all. I will break the cycle of this for my children.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
His Faithfulness stretches to the sky
God is good.
All the time.
I have seen an answer to a long prayed for prayer. Not for me or my family but for a friends husband. I have seen this family go from the top of the mountain regarding job placement for the husband to the deepest of valleys. Mostly, self inflicted valleys. To the place where they were ordered to be.
God planted a dream and yesterday it began to be filled. His faithfulness stretches to the sky- even when we try to put it in a little box. Praise His name.
God planted a dream in my heart and I have let it simmer. He is stirring it up again and I am mindful and heartfilled of its resurgence. I keep saying His faithfulness stretched to the sky...
Move Lord, or move me. Speak Lord, your servant listens. Help me clothe those who need it. My steps are ordered and I will walk in your way and not even stub my toe. You are so faithful!
All the time.
I have seen an answer to a long prayed for prayer. Not for me or my family but for a friends husband. I have seen this family go from the top of the mountain regarding job placement for the husband to the deepest of valleys. Mostly, self inflicted valleys. To the place where they were ordered to be.
God planted a dream and yesterday it began to be filled. His faithfulness stretches to the sky- even when we try to put it in a little box. Praise His name.
God planted a dream in my heart and I have let it simmer. He is stirring it up again and I am mindful and heartfilled of its resurgence. I keep saying His faithfulness stretched to the sky...
Move Lord, or move me. Speak Lord, your servant listens. Help me clothe those who need it. My steps are ordered and I will walk in your way and not even stub my toe. You are so faithful!
Monday, April 11, 2011
Better than life
Psalm 63:3 Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
how I praise you!
We sang better than life yesterday at church. I like the song. It is upbeat. It just praises God that His loving-kindness is better than life.
Maybe it was the mood I was in.
Maybe it was the Friday I had.
My guess is it was the Holy Spirit talking to me ;)
That song took on so much more to me yesterday. My life is great. I have a family to love and be loved by. I have all the necessities of living and in the scheme of life on this planet, I have many luxuries too. But do you know what is better?
His loving kindness.
Loving kindness is not something we talk about a lot these days. In fact, on this little planet we call earth it is hard to find someone loving and kind. Even at the Wal-Marts where everyone seems to be all the time.
Joking aside, The Lord's loving kindness is a huge reason I am a Christian. His loving kindness is what drew me to Him and freed me of my sin. His loving kindness is what he DEMONSTRATED to me by having His son Jesus suffer the torture before and after He died on the cross. His loving kindness for me is what he DEMONSTRATED to me by Jesus rising from the grave- CONQUERING EVEN DEATH. His loving kindness sent a helper of the Holy Spirit to me to help me live and know He is real when my physical eye can't see. His loving kindness is everything. It is better than life.
I often think about how I grew up knowing about Jesus and the crucifiction. I mean I was catholic and there was a crucifix in our home and every home I went to. I remember never liking looking at them. That man with the thorns in his head and nails in his hands and feet.
I knew He died for us. I had all the prayers memorized. Even in my teenage days in the Methodist church and knew it. I was reverently grateful that this event happened so that I could be forgiven and go to heaven.
It has only been in the last few years that I have seen it as God's loving kindness. A love so great that I can't understand, a kindness so wonderful that He took pain and torture for me. It is a DEMONSTRATED love.
Romans 5:8 (New King James Version) But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
I have always heard that actions speak louder than words. I have found in marriage that although words matter a lot. Sometimes it is a quiet gesture that makes all the difference. It demonstrates the love you say and feel.
The suffering of my Lord was not quiet but it sure was a DEMONSTRATION of loving kindness. It is better than any piece of this life to know that type of love.
Your loving kindness is...
Better than life.
how I praise you!
We sang better than life yesterday at church. I like the song. It is upbeat. It just praises God that His loving-kindness is better than life.
Maybe it was the mood I was in.
Maybe it was the Friday I had.
My guess is it was the Holy Spirit talking to me ;)
That song took on so much more to me yesterday. My life is great. I have a family to love and be loved by. I have all the necessities of living and in the scheme of life on this planet, I have many luxuries too. But do you know what is better?
His loving kindness.
Loving kindness is not something we talk about a lot these days. In fact, on this little planet we call earth it is hard to find someone loving and kind. Even at the Wal-Marts where everyone seems to be all the time.
Joking aside, The Lord's loving kindness is a huge reason I am a Christian. His loving kindness is what drew me to Him and freed me of my sin. His loving kindness is what he DEMONSTRATED to me by having His son Jesus suffer the torture before and after He died on the cross. His loving kindness for me is what he DEMONSTRATED to me by Jesus rising from the grave- CONQUERING EVEN DEATH. His loving kindness sent a helper of the Holy Spirit to me to help me live and know He is real when my physical eye can't see. His loving kindness is everything. It is better than life.
I often think about how I grew up knowing about Jesus and the crucifiction. I mean I was catholic and there was a crucifix in our home and every home I went to. I remember never liking looking at them. That man with the thorns in his head and nails in his hands and feet.
I knew He died for us. I had all the prayers memorized. Even in my teenage days in the Methodist church and knew it. I was reverently grateful that this event happened so that I could be forgiven and go to heaven.
It has only been in the last few years that I have seen it as God's loving kindness. A love so great that I can't understand, a kindness so wonderful that He took pain and torture for me. It is a DEMONSTRATED love.
Romans 5:8 (New King James Version) But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
I have always heard that actions speak louder than words. I have found in marriage that although words matter a lot. Sometimes it is a quiet gesture that makes all the difference. It demonstrates the love you say and feel.
The suffering of my Lord was not quiet but it sure was a DEMONSTRATION of loving kindness. It is better than any piece of this life to know that type of love.
Your loving kindness is...
Better than life.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Refinement
So in quiet time this morning, I am reading Numbers and psalms. I have a goal to read the whole bible through this year. I am doing an online reading plan.
It sounds kind of sterile, I know.
More like another list for me to check off for my controlled, comfort level.
Really the reason I am doing it is that I want to KNOW that I have read every word in His love letter to me. No one knows about the reading plan. I am not publicizing it. I just want to be awoken anew by words that I would not normally see. Can I say I just loved LEVITICUS? Ummm, no. In fact some of it was so boring and hard to read. However, I was surprised by some of it.
I enjoy reading the whole story of Moses and Aaron and those heart wandering and disbelieving Israelites. I feel like them sometimes when I have allowed the world to become my desert. I feel like a dusty wandering traveler wondering if I am headed even in the direction I am meant to go. I feel hot and sweaty when I am trying to discern the forks in the road. Then like the Israelites when Moses comes down all shiny from being in the presence of God, I feel refreshed and know that the Holy Spirit (our helper here in our desert) has filled me. But, like the Israelites, without proper direction from the Lord- I get doubtful, fretful and sweaty in the desert again.
All of this has been a bit of a surprise to me. The Old Testament. I am a new covenant, New Testament girl. The depth of God's direct involvement in the Old Testament. The physical inhabitation of God in the Tabernacle, in the Ark. The Fire that leads at night...amazing.
Anyway, today's reading was in the beginning of Numbers about the Israelites moving and God in every detail of how they set up camp. Instructions for who lives where and who does what. I was almost a little jealous. I would love to 'know my role' where my family sits around the place that God inhabits.
I made a simple prayer at the end of my reading time. I felt the Holy Spirit with me and I just quietly whole heartily said- Lord, whatever is in me that is keeping me from the fullness of your inhabitanting my heart. Lord, whatever the role, you have for me. Whatever the place you want me to dwell- It is my desire to live there, walk there, set up camp there. Reveal to me the places of my heart that are uninhabitable. The places in my life, I have never let you touch. I confess my desire to you so that I can desire what YOU desire for me.
So, it didn't take long for my day to begin that my prayer was answered.It was about 5 minutes into my workday. I guess, I could pretend it was pretty. That I immediately recognized it but it wasn't.
I was smacked in the face with the stinkiest part of me. I recoiled once I realized that my prayer was directly related to a major mess up that occured months ago. I do data. You know lists, information etc. I have always been told and believed that i am very good at what I do. In fact, in recent months, I have been puffed up about it. You can see where this is going.
I was humbled by a mistake that was very public that should have been casught. I was prideful at the beginning of the question of my work. I was humbled by the realization that I was at fault and I was sick to see the extent of my mistake. It was public. Lots of people know and were affected. People that I have not talked well of in the past, had to defend my mistake.They reacted graciously when I have not been so gracious to them before. The list continues...I honestly got sick to my stomach - literally. I honestly fought tears. I honestly asked for supernatural intervention from God.
It was then I heard in my Spirit's ear. Child, Is this not what you asked for?
stunned.I.could.barely.breathe
Quietly, I whispered - PRIDE. Lord, PRIDE? I am so sorry. I didn't see it. I felt blind, naked and raw. Lord, forgive me of my PRIDE. I am so sorry that I have done this career in my own strength. I have left you out of my work. I have handled my learning and my acomplishments as they belong to me. I am sorry I have kept this area of my life from you. Lord, be with me in all my work. My decisions are your decisions, My plans are the ones you have set before me. Be ever present. Fill my life, my office, my mouth, my reactions,the way I interact with others- Lord- everything is yours. I humbly offer my repentance to you. I turn away from my pride. I am under your authority at work. Thank you for the revelation. Thank you for hearing my prayer and answering, Father. Your refinement is what I seek. Use my weakness to show me your strength. Show me where to set up camp, show me my role like with the Israelites. I love you and I want you in every detail. Thank you that you make all things new, I will walk in the freedom of your forgiveness. Continue Your work. I am the clay- you are the potter. Purify me and burn away all the junk. Amen.
So I began to look up verses centered around the word 'REFINE' Here is my verse for mediation today. I am so thankful for this lesson. I am sure there will be a retest :)
I am thankful for His love for me even through discipline.
Malachi 3:3 (New Living Translation)
He will sit like a refiner of silver, burning away the dross. He will purify the Levites, refining them like gold and silver, so that they may once again offer acceptable sacrifices to the Lord.
I read this morning that the Levites were the tribe assigned to set up God's dwelling place as the Israelites traveled. That they were set up as the substitutes for all of Israels first born sons. They were Aarons helpers since his first born sons were burned up by God for offering the wrong types of sacrifices. So God set apart the tribe of Levi to be Aaron's helpers. They were instructed that only those who were chosen should be in the Tabernacle and only certain people should handle the Ark. That only certain people should offer sacrifices.
You had to be holy, and stay holy.
Their job was to be holy and stay holy. To be clean and remain clean.
Lord, I want to be holy and wholly Yours. Be the refiner. Burn away the junk so that I will be acceptable to you. Amen.
It sounds kind of sterile, I know.
More like another list for me to check off for my controlled, comfort level.
Really the reason I am doing it is that I want to KNOW that I have read every word in His love letter to me. No one knows about the reading plan. I am not publicizing it. I just want to be awoken anew by words that I would not normally see. Can I say I just loved LEVITICUS? Ummm, no. In fact some of it was so boring and hard to read. However, I was surprised by some of it.
I enjoy reading the whole story of Moses and Aaron and those heart wandering and disbelieving Israelites. I feel like them sometimes when I have allowed the world to become my desert. I feel like a dusty wandering traveler wondering if I am headed even in the direction I am meant to go. I feel hot and sweaty when I am trying to discern the forks in the road. Then like the Israelites when Moses comes down all shiny from being in the presence of God, I feel refreshed and know that the Holy Spirit (our helper here in our desert) has filled me. But, like the Israelites, without proper direction from the Lord- I get doubtful, fretful and sweaty in the desert again.
All of this has been a bit of a surprise to me. The Old Testament. I am a new covenant, New Testament girl. The depth of God's direct involvement in the Old Testament. The physical inhabitation of God in the Tabernacle, in the Ark. The Fire that leads at night...amazing.
Anyway, today's reading was in the beginning of Numbers about the Israelites moving and God in every detail of how they set up camp. Instructions for who lives where and who does what. I was almost a little jealous. I would love to 'know my role' where my family sits around the place that God inhabits.
I made a simple prayer at the end of my reading time. I felt the Holy Spirit with me and I just quietly whole heartily said- Lord, whatever is in me that is keeping me from the fullness of your inhabitanting my heart. Lord, whatever the role, you have for me. Whatever the place you want me to dwell- It is my desire to live there, walk there, set up camp there. Reveal to me the places of my heart that are uninhabitable. The places in my life, I have never let you touch. I confess my desire to you so that I can desire what YOU desire for me.
So, it didn't take long for my day to begin that my prayer was answered.It was about 5 minutes into my workday. I guess, I could pretend it was pretty. That I immediately recognized it but it wasn't.
I was smacked in the face with the stinkiest part of me. I recoiled once I realized that my prayer was directly related to a major mess up that occured months ago. I do data. You know lists, information etc. I have always been told and believed that i am very good at what I do. In fact, in recent months, I have been puffed up about it. You can see where this is going.
I was humbled by a mistake that was very public that should have been casught. I was prideful at the beginning of the question of my work. I was humbled by the realization that I was at fault and I was sick to see the extent of my mistake. It was public. Lots of people know and were affected. People that I have not talked well of in the past, had to defend my mistake.They reacted graciously when I have not been so gracious to them before. The list continues...I honestly got sick to my stomach - literally. I honestly fought tears. I honestly asked for supernatural intervention from God.
It was then I heard in my Spirit's ear. Child, Is this not what you asked for?
stunned.I.could.barely.breathe
Quietly, I whispered - PRIDE. Lord, PRIDE? I am so sorry. I didn't see it. I felt blind, naked and raw. Lord, forgive me of my PRIDE. I am so sorry that I have done this career in my own strength. I have left you out of my work. I have handled my learning and my acomplishments as they belong to me. I am sorry I have kept this area of my life from you. Lord, be with me in all my work. My decisions are your decisions, My plans are the ones you have set before me. Be ever present. Fill my life, my office, my mouth, my reactions,the way I interact with others- Lord- everything is yours. I humbly offer my repentance to you. I turn away from my pride. I am under your authority at work. Thank you for the revelation. Thank you for hearing my prayer and answering, Father. Your refinement is what I seek. Use my weakness to show me your strength. Show me where to set up camp, show me my role like with the Israelites. I love you and I want you in every detail. Thank you that you make all things new, I will walk in the freedom of your forgiveness. Continue Your work. I am the clay- you are the potter. Purify me and burn away all the junk. Amen.
So I began to look up verses centered around the word 'REFINE' Here is my verse for mediation today. I am so thankful for this lesson. I am sure there will be a retest :)
I am thankful for His love for me even through discipline.
Malachi 3:3 (New Living Translation)
He will sit like a refiner of silver, burning away the dross. He will purify the Levites, refining them like gold and silver, so that they may once again offer acceptable sacrifices to the Lord.
I read this morning that the Levites were the tribe assigned to set up God's dwelling place as the Israelites traveled. That they were set up as the substitutes for all of Israels first born sons. They were Aarons helpers since his first born sons were burned up by God for offering the wrong types of sacrifices. So God set apart the tribe of Levi to be Aaron's helpers. They were instructed that only those who were chosen should be in the Tabernacle and only certain people should handle the Ark. That only certain people should offer sacrifices.
You had to be holy, and stay holy.
Their job was to be holy and stay holy. To be clean and remain clean.
Lord, I want to be holy and wholly Yours. Be the refiner. Burn away the junk so that I will be acceptable to you. Amen.
journaling
So journaling has never really been my thing. But I have found that the days pass and the moments are gone and so is my memory. I like to look back and see where I have come from and what has been changed in me but with my feeble memory I lose the details of how it all happened. I hope this space will allow me to journal it out. I don't intend for this to be public but just a way for me to see God's work over time. I pray this will be a safe place for me to get it all down on 'paper', that God will use this as a journal of prayer,petition and praise, that it will help me slow down and savor each moment.
I write conversationally so this journal will become personified. I just pray that the Holy Spirit will join me in this outpouring of life so that I may be infilled with the Spirit.
I write conversationally so this journal will become personified. I just pray that the Holy Spirit will join me in this outpouring of life so that I may be infilled with the Spirit.
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